Gross Miscalculations on the Concept of Happiness

It is 4:02 am and I cannot sleep. I worked at ze kafee shoppe until 3. Wanted rest. Body exhausted. Mind zipping too quickly. I want to be dreaming of a world where I am not afraid of rice wine. Wise is looking at me wondering what the fuck I'm doing awake. We are usually spooning at this time.

I am attempting to write a blog detailing the most magnificant four days I've ever lived. These days are the days spent traveling the East Coast with Page France and Canada. June 28th 2006 might have just been the best day of my entire life. If nothing more, it was the best Canada show in the history of The Canadian Front. Also, things I am wondering....who invented the pin-cushion, why is my plant dying, i think my eyes are traveling backwards in time but the rest of my body is here in the present.

I have too many things to do tomorrow. One of the things I do NOT have to do is join ASCAP. For it is done. I have recently joined Netflix though and I am addicted. Wise is trying to get me to lay down.

But before I do I wanted to express via pixels to the universe that my heart is filled with a brilliant love for you all. And I miss the way summer used to smell when I was a boy.

Heading dreamward.

He, that be me, The Esteban

How I and The Wise Created a Demon of the Second Kind to Defeat the Pirate Pugg

46 minutes ago I became officially finished with the Spring 2006 semester at LTU. Last night I stayed up late finishing a collage self portrait showing my agony and nerves a-raging across a landscape of fear and worry. The class did indeed enjoy it. And now I'm done.

And it is sunny. If I wanted to, I could sit completely still for the rest of the day and not worry about homework or building systems or the names of impressionist painters. It feels so good I could cry.

15 days.

I would like for you to contact me, if you are reading this and enjoy my company, to hang out soon and often. All I have is work. And rock performances. I want to spend as much time around a vast multitude of folk as is allowed by state law.

Also, as I lay in half sleep this morning, listening to the Wise cry to be let out onto the porch, in between thinking of throwing him against the wall, I also thought of some strange things. Like, being rid of all oral languages. Instead replacing communication through food....for instance....a half eaten icecream sandwhich could signify that I need a ride to the grocery store. Or a withered apple to signify that I am late getting my taxes done. A pile of seven grapes, three green and four purple (one of which has been peeled of it's skin) could mean that my favorite show, Knight Rider, is on in twelve minutes so please go get the potato chips.

Or what about squirt guns? We could all carry around squirt guns and squirt eachother to communicate....maybe in morse code?

Basically, I'm tired of hearing everyone's voice. Grab a granola bar or a Super-Soaker and let's chat.

Actually, I love your voice. My favorite voices are those of Mollie, The Wise, my dad and of course Tom Waits.

I'm going to go read a book in the sun now. I'm free all summer now. Let us get together and create moments.

A Treatise on the Science of Arms

This weekend was a murderous one. I barely survived. Overnight shifts at old coffee shops, Canada concerts inside of Blind Pigs (afloat in a sea of drunkeness, bachelorettes and ashtray noses). Late nights. But good nights. But also nights that put me further behind schedule with my semester project. The problem = design an urban studio for Tulane University in New Orleans. The solution = panic, wasted time, a full and violent loathing for my instructors which directly leads to a complete lack of desire to attend studio. If I can somehow manage to pull it off by 2pm on Wednesday I will be treated to a lovely concert in Ann Arbor with the incredible Chris Bathgate and Annie Palmer as well as Canada's friends The Dardenelles. Booze will exist inside of me. I will exist in a system of strings and wires that moves my elbows and knees as an audience member admiring the terribly wonderful tremors of live and lovely music. Mouthfulls.

In a few weeks I hit the road with Page France. Every time I think about it I shake and shiver. The record will be out by then. In hands, in ears. I'll be in a tree. I am most nervous and excited about playing at The Mercury Lounge in New York City. I'm currently downloading a Joanna Newsom concert from June of 2004 which took place at The Mercury Lounge. I became even more anxious and excited knowing that I'll be performing my songs upon the very stage where less than two years ago Joanna did the same. I want to drink lemonade with her and hug her in between gulps. I want to watch her fingers flip between stretched strings. Though our bones break and our souls seperate, though our bodies recoil from the grip of the soil, with her songs in my head I shall never have a long face.

Today I received the final/mastered copy of This Cursed House. I've heard this record so many times now I don't even know what to think anymore. I need to not listen to it for a while. I need to think about new songs. I need to finish the next 48 hours as quickly and as skillfully as possible so that I can sit in the yard and balance new thoughts between my open ears.

That's all I want right now. To lay the entire day in the grass with a book and a headphones. To not have to worry about sketching and explaining, cutting and pasting, drafting and diagramming, typing and sighing.

To simply feel the sun shave my face with it's millions of tiny blades. To watch the grass wave. To watch geese gather wind under wings. To watch ants climbing the mountains of sidewalks.

And once that is all taken care of, I want to play as many rock shows as is allowed. These things I wish in the name of all that breathes and stretches it's knees, that shakes it's sleeves at the gathering breeze.

Send me your pillow and your favorite blanket so that I may rest easy.

The Countless Rings of Saturn Thrill Me

I seem to be unable to get enough sleep lately. I cut getting to work and school on time DANGEROUSLY close. This is with coffee. Someone is drugging my food, I'm sure of it. It isn't the Wise because he appears to be drugged as well most of the time. So that leaves The Dis and Prefontaine. I keep planning on sitting down to question them but I always end up being too tired. I think they are aware of my suspicions though.

I think there is a bat or a squirrel trapped in my basement. I found one of the basement windows open last week and now every twenty minutes or so I'll hear a squeek coming from the basement, and it's always coming from a different location. I am too afraid to go down there like a real man and capture the beast. I worked up the nerve twice so far and stood there waiting for it to make a noise so I could at least figure out where it was and hopefully see what it was, but it must have been aware of me and decided to keep quiet. I'm afraid it is starving to death and soon we shall find a corpse. Either that or one of the cats will find it and decide to bring it into my bed one night while i'm trying to sleep. Or, my luck, it has rabies and will in turn infect each and every one of us until we are all defeated.

Next week is my spring break. I am in such dire need of this. I feel so burnt out lately. Between the long drives to Lansing in an attempt to finish this record, and the drives to shows, and school and work and a plethora of smaller obligations, I'm generally kept at full speed throughout the day, every day. I can't remember the last time I was just able to go out and get a drink with a friend or simply just hang out with someone outside the band. No wonder I feel so drugged in the morning. My body does not want to have to go through another day like this. I mean, it beats having nothing to do, but I sometimes feel I need a mountain to sit on or a forest to hide myself inside for a month. Grow another beard. Learn to speak to birds. Climb some trees, scrape some knees, sit and stare at the clouds for a bit.

Joe is in New York. Saul is with his woman. I seem to be the only one at our house lately, the place is my own private castle. It's nice and lonesome all at once. Especially with the demon monkey in the basement biding it's time.

Some exciting developments on the Canadian Front. Fall Records wants to release a Canada EP this summer or later this year. New songs are already being created. The tour in May with Page France is slowly taking shape. Baltimore and Boston are so far confirmed, DC and New York are being worked out. This is exciting since it is something I've always wanted to do but was never able to. Another dream I can scratch off the list. Also, we have friends in each of those cities who haven't been able to see us yet. Also, Fred Thomas has asked us to tour with Saturday Looks Good To Me for two weeks in June and to also possibly have some of us play with him in his band to back him up. Though nothing has been confirmed yet, this would definitely make this summer one of the best in recent memory, and trust me, last summer was pretty fucking brilliant.

I really just want this record to be done more than anything. I'm tired of being worried about it and nervous about it. I just want it to be finished so I can relax a bit.

I need a good masseuse. For real.

This weekend Pincado. Next week Chicago. Next weekend, hopefully, an ending to This Cursed House.

Oh. And I turn 28 on Friday. Pray for me please.

To The Man In The Arena

"It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly...who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at best, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

Pincado, That Mythical Town

So, tonight i find myself in Pincado, the town where i was born, was raised, and from which i promptly fled in search of a better life when i knew i wasn't going to find it here, amongst the fields, forests, factories and, well, cheese. I've been in relentless persuit ever since. I have definitely made progress, i've definitely gotten closer, and i've definitely seen some things. I've even, on a few occasions, felt like i had arrived there, to that better life which i always wanted, but it always continues to elude me.

It's always a strange event to go home, to the place you are from, especially when being gone for a long time. That's where i find myself tonight. My parents look older, the house seems smaller, i feel a bit misplaced. These are all generally sad things to feel, especially on the night before Thanksgiving. For a brief moment i wonder how many more good years i have left of this, before it's gone. But then, of course, you can't think that way, can you. So i stop thinking that way. But it's still strange being here, in these walls. I used to do my Cheerio dance right over there, under the stairs, when i was a baby. I would upturn a bowl of Cheerios and then dance on top of them, to the delight of anyone lucky enough to catch me in the act. Yes there are pictures. This room i'm in right now, it used to be my bedroom. I lost my virginity in this room, i also felt the first pangs of real Loss in this room too. Now it's where my parents watch their favorite show, Lost, on TV. Funny huh? Yeah. Right above my head is where my first band used to practice, Dandylyon Whyne. Small town pop-punk at it's worst, that is until one Travis Pickard appeared in my life in a puff of smoke. But that is an entire other story. This whole house is one giant photo album. It's fun and painful to look at all at the same time.

It snowed heavily for the first time today. There are inches of it outside everywhere you look. This year has disappeared so quickly, in a matter of weeks it is going to be New Years Eve again, and last year's still seems like it was only a few months ago....I've been drinking whiskey tonight. I opened up the cupboard to look for chips, or some kind of salty snack, and Mr. Jack Daniels was there, looking at me....and i looked back. And i had this flashback to when i was a teenager, opening this same cupboard and seeing my parents stash of whiskies, which they NEVER OPENED...and i remembered secretly opening a bottle, and slowly over the course of a summer drinking from said bottle, a sip here, a small cupful there, always filling it up with water, to make it look like nothing was gone....and of course, you can only do that for so long before the whiskey starts to resemble something a little less than whiskey. But for some reason my parents never caught on, or decided to let it slide. Either way, tonight i find myself drinking whiskey, straight, out of a Garfield cup that shows him on a teeter-totter, saying to himself, "I'm not one who rises to the occasion.".....and yes, i replaced my stolen whiskey with fresh Pincado water.

Life has been good to me as of late, i cannot deny, though that slippery life i continue to search for still eludes me to this moment. I remain poor, and struggling to get through school, after all this time.....those that i truly care deeply for remain far away from me, for some reason, and are greatly missed, and i remain feeling incredibly unlucky and maybe even slightly cursed....i rarely get to see my family, the ones that know me best, and who i feel sadly distant from....and then of course there are my allergies....yikes.

But then there is Canada. We just had our first practice with our official drummer, Ryan. It was a magical, historical moment for me. After all these years of playing music with people and being in all sorts of bands, this was THE practice of a lifetime. We played through every song, with Ryan, for the first time, and it was flawless, it was like a dream, the kind of dream i would have when i was young and dreamt of being in a good band one day, and it was happening to me....somehow, without ever playing with us before, he knew each and every song and played them as though he had been playing them for years....we sounded real and full and right....i imagine that that is what the Beatles must have felt on more than one occasion....like what was happening in that room was rare and true and incredible....it was surreal and i felt like crying i was so happy, as did Joe and Saul and Aaron and Amy....i felt like i was 15 again and in love for the first time.....i felt like after all these years things were finally going right....added to that the fact that our first two shows were at The Magic Stick in Detroit, and went extremely well, and that we continue to get shows with great bands at great venues across this State, these things alone come close to almost making up for all of those things that i feel i am missing....almost.

I know you are out there somewhere tonight, doing what i can only imagine, shaping strange destinies and altering the course of small histories as you go....you, that elusive piece of the puzzle, that thing that i continue to reach for, in the dark, i can feel you as my fingers brush against you as you retreat further into the distance. We've met before, we almost had it figured out, you and i, and one day you'll fit into place and things will somehow all make sense, the puzzle will be complete, and i can go to bed at night and wake up every morning knowing that after all this time and after all this work and worry, that i at last have you, that life i have always wanted. At least i have to keep thinking so.

I guess sometimes you just feel like writing. Happy Thanksgiving.

Steven

Thistles, Thorns and Thumbs

I've been hanging out a lot lately with this season by the name of Fall. She is very nice to me. She is very colorful and bright. She is around here somewhere today. She makes me want to leave school and go home and spend the day in my basement writing songs and drinking coffee. Making mini-albums about silly things like birds that fly with wilted wings and die of broken things, like hearts.

Instead I'll sit and draw sketches of pictures of photographs of buildings that do not exist. This one cup of coffee will continue to not be enough. I will also sit and think about the apple, crackers and pbj sandwhich i brought with me to work today for dinner. Because I am already hungry.

Tomorrow there is an ArchiLecture here at school. The speaker is Syd Mead, the guy who designed the buildings, sets and worlds of Blade Runner, Aliens and Tron. I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited to hear what someone like that has to say. I am tempted to sneak in a flask of whiskey which to sip and relax with. Instead I will sneak in hot coffee and a donut.

Before kids came kid-dinosaurs who shopped in diamond candy
stores. Their mothers went berzerk.